Woeful Wizards: Philosopher's Stone
by Woeful Wizards
Summary: The common sense goes down and the melodrama goes up. Be prepared for the scarily short first season of Woeful Wizards. A soap opera based on Harry Potter.
1. Episode One

**Woeful Wizards**

**Episode 1**

**Scene 1**

_In the Dursley's kitchen. The Dursleys are having breakfast, and Harry Potter, preferably dressed in rags is serving them._

**Vernon: **More tea boy!

**Harry: **Yes, father.

**Vernon: **(taking tea and reading newspaper) Oh, and stop calling me your father. You're not even my son.

_Harry spins around, dropping teapot_

**Harry: **(loudly and full of emotion) what?

**Petunia:** (Not turning to face Harry) Oh, yes. You're actually my sister's boy. Your father and she were murd- I mean, died in a car crash. Yes… that's how you got your scar.

_Dramatic music. Close up on Harry's scar, which fades into a montage of Harry being abused etc._

**Harry:** (voiceover)It makes so much sense; how I always got the worst presents, why I was kept in a cupboard under the stairs, why I wasn't Harry Dursley but Harry Potter, why my fath- *sigh leaden with emotion* my uncle told me I wasn't even his son…

_Fades back into present. Harry is standing, looking vaguely into the middle distance. The Dursleys are continuing doing their daily business._

**Petunia:** Harry, do the dishes!

**Harry: **(head flick/swivel) I can't, knowing what I know now. (Hands dramatically raised) I must now contemplate ending my life in my cupboard.

_Harry runs off. We hear a door slam. The Dursleys shrug and continue doing whatever they were doing in the first place._

**Scene 2**

_There are two boys sitting at a table, Crabbe and Goyle. They are looking over their Hogwarts letters._

**Goyle:** I can't wait to go to Hogwarts!

**Crabbe: **Me too. Just the two of us, on midnight feasts, having sleepovers, skinny dipping (looks at Goyle a little too lovingly)

**Goyle:** I think Draco Malfoy's coming as well.

**Crabbe:** (head swivel) what? But he'll try to break our friendship up!

**Goyle:** No he won't! Nothing… (Softer) nothing can come between us.

**Crabbe:** Then I want you to promise me, right here, right now, that we're going to be together forever.

**Goyle:** I promise

_They stare into each other's eyes. Crabbe's mother walks in._

**Mrs. Crabbe:** You boys want sandwiches?

**Crabbe:** (voice laden with emotion) Okay.

**Scene 3:**

_Harry is in his cupboard room. He hears wings and steps into the living room. There is an owl._

**Harry: **(gasps) an owl.

**Vernon: **It's just a stray. Ignore it.

**Harry:** (swivels around) But it has a letter… with my name on it! (Head toss)

**Vernon:** There's been a mix up.

**Harry:** I won't!

_Looking rebellious, Harry struts up to the owl. Vernon holds him back by his jumper._

**Vernon: **No, Harry, I said no!

**Harry:** (gasps) you… used… physical force on me! (Starts to sob)

_The Dursleys ignore him and do other things. Another owl "flies" (Note: stuffed animal. Just throw it through) through the window._

**Harry:** (looks up, sees owl and looks ridiculously over excited) Oh goody! Another owl! And why, it's got another letter for me!

_Vernon grabs letter and chucks it out._

**Vernon:** That's enough of that nonsense now.

_Harry starts to cry and Dursleys do whatever. Then a bucket load of letters "flies" (again, just throw) through open window._

**Harry: **(looks up and is overly excited again) Oh, wow! Even more let-

_Vernon scoops up letters and throws them into "fire" and shuts window._

**Vernon:** Now, that's finished. Let's watch some goo-

_Doorbell "rings"_

**Harry:** (overly excited) I'll get it!

_Harry runs off and comes back with Hagrid, looking confused._

**Harry:** Who, or what, is this?

**Hagrid:** (in strange accent) Harry, yer a wizard and so was yer parents.

**Harry:** (swivelling) WHAT?

**Vernon:** Bother.

**Scene 4: **

_Sign says "Kings Cross Station". Harry is there with Hagrid, his trunk and Hedwig._

**Harry:** Golly, I didn't know you could buy white owls.

**Hagrid:** Usually yer can't.

**Harry:** (begins to swivel, but then stops mid-swivel) you know, that would have shocked me an hour ago, but now, not so much.

**Hagrid:** Now, to get to Hogwarts can be tricky for a first timer, so you must listen very- Is that the time? Bye!

_Hagrid runs off. Harry falls to his knees._

**Harry: **NOOOO! (Starts to sob)

_Weasleys run on_

**Mrs Weasley:** Quickly, hurry, hurry! (Sees Harry) Oh, hello there. Are you going to Hogwarts too?

**Harry:** How did you know? (Note: Make sure "HOGWARTS" can be seen very clearly somewhere)

**Mrs Weasley:** Because I am a (dramatic hand movement)… a WITCH!

**Harry:** (gasps) Whoa…

**Mrs Weasley:** Now then, everyone through the brick wall.

_All Weasleys disappear, except for Ron. (Note: Just pause camera, tell them to shove off, and then start playing again)_

**Harry:** Did she just say brick wall?

**Ron: **Yes.

_Dramatic music whilst they both stare out into the middle distance_

**Harry: **So, are you a wizard… too?

**Ron:** Yes.

_Stare out into the middle distance again_

**Harry:** So, are you a first year too?

**Ron**: Yes, want to sit together on the train?

**Harry: **I would like that.

**Scene 5:**

_Crabbe and Goyle are standing on platform 9 and 3/4 talking. Enter Malfoy._

**Goyle: **Hi Malfoy!

**Crabbe:** (like a grumpy bitch) Oh… hi.

**Malfoy:** (sneering) I heard Potter is in this year as well. Huh, thinking he could step up to the Dark Lord like that. (Pause) (Desperately) We must be friends otherwise…

**Goyle:** Uh, what?

**Malfoy:** (swivels) I shall kill him.

_Dramatic music_

**Scene 6:**

_In train compartment with Ron and Harry. Both look awkward._

**Ron:** (gasps) My mother has made for me a tuna sandwich! She knows I despise tuna.

_Enter Trolley Lady._

**TL:** Anything from the trolley?

**Ron:** (glares at sandwich) no.

**Harry:** Ron, I'll buy you something.

_Ron looks up, hopeful. He and Harry stare at each other, realising the beautiful friendship they've just created. This goes on for several seconds_

**TL:** (slightly annoyed) Well?

**Harry: **(swivels) I don't know. I've never had wizard sweets before.

**Ron:** I'll help you… (Swivel) _friend._

**Harry:** Best friends.

_They stare lovingly at each other. TL looks at watch and makes to leave._

**Ron:** (eyes never off Harry's face) Two chocolate frogs please.

**Harry:** (eyes never leaving either) Yes.

_Neither of them taking their eyes off each other's face, they pay and start eating the chocolate frogs. TL leaves and Hermione enters._

**Hermione:** A boys' toad has gone missing.

_Ron and Harry do not stop staring at each other._

**Hermione:** I'm… (Minor dance move) Hermione Granger.

**Harry:** (tearing eyes away from Ron) Hello. I'm Harry Potter.

_Hermione gasps. Ron swoons._

**Ron:** You're the Boy Who Lived!

**Harry:** What?

**Hermione:** You defeated the greatest dark wizard of all time.

_Harry lifts head towards ceiling and stares at it._

**Harry:** Is that how my parents died?

**Ron:** Yes, and you were only a baby.

**Harry:** (stands) I must avenge them!

**Hermione:** But Harry… you already have.

**Harry:** (gasps and stares out into middle distance)

**Ron:** I can't believe it! I'm best friends with Harry Potter!

**Harry:** (swivels) And I don't even know your name.

**Ron:** (stares out at middle distance) I'm (hand movement) Ron Weasley.

**Harry:** (swivels) Pleasure to meet you.

**Ron:** The pleasure's all mine.

**Hermione:** Yes, nice to meet you

_Ron glares at Hermione. Harry looks surprised. Hermione looks surprised. Dramatic music._

**Scene 7:**

_Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are all sitting in a train compartment, dressed in school uniforms._

**Malfoy:** Yes, my father (minor swivel) says that this year, I am a shoo-in for the Quidditch team.

**Goyle:** (eagerly) Yes, I'm sure Malfoy. You're a terrific flyer.

**Crabbe:** (snorts with laughter)

**Malfoy:** (swivels) What was that?

_Goyle looks at Crabbe warningly. Crabbe sees this and swivels away._

**Crabbe:** Nothing. (softer) Nothing at all.

**Malfoy:** It better be.

_Dramatic music._

**Scene 8:**

_Hogwarts entry hall. (Note: big banner saying "Welcome to Hogwarts")_

**Hagrid:** (offstage) First years over here

_Hagrid and Hogwarts students enter._

**Hagrid:** Now, jus' wait here to be sorted.

_Hagrid leaves_

**Harry:** (swivels) I can't believe I'm here. (swivels) My mother and father walked these very halls.

**Hermione:** (dramatically) Did you really defeat the Dark Lord?

**Harry: **(swivels) Yes.

**Ron: **Can I see your scar?

**Harry:** I don't have a… (swivels) Oh, you mean (lifts fringe) this one?

_All Hogwarts students gasp_

**Dean:** It's (gasp) Harry Potter!

_Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle push past the crowd_

**Goyle:** Move aside, move aside.

**Malfoy:** So you're the famous Harry Potter aren't you?

**Harry:** Yes

_Everybody gasps again except for Harry and Malfoy._

**Malfoy:** And look who you're hanging out with… a ginger…. And a mudblood.

**Ron:** (runs up to Malfoy) You take that back!

**Malfoy:** (swivels) Never! (turns to Harry) You should hang out with me. After all I am a (dramatic hand movement) pureblood.

**Harry:** (swivels) I will never, ever be friends with you. You, you, (angry face) jerk.

**Malfoy: **(looks shocked and then angry) You will regret this Potter! Mark my words, you will regret this!

_Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle march off to the side and stand in a group looking pissed. _

**Ron:** Well he's a Slytherin if I ever saw one.

**Harry: **(s) What's that?

**Ron:** The most evilest of all houses

_Dramatic music_

**Ron:** You want to be in Gryffindor, like my family is.

**Harry:** Are there only two houses?

**Hermione:** No. (Harry gasps) There is two more. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Each house encourages particular values. Gryffindor is courage and honour, Slytherin ambition and resourcefulness, Ravenclaw intelligence and responsibility and Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

**Ron:** (s) Nobody asked you Hermione!

_Hermione looks shocked and then starts sniffling. She runs off to another group of Hogwarts students._

**Harry:** So, you're in Gryffindor.

**Ron:** (looks upset) No, not yet. We have to be Sorted first.

_McGonagall walks in._

**McGonagall:** It's time to be sorted.

_Dramatic music_

**Scene 9:**

_In the Great Hall. There is the "House Point Counter" (Note: whiteboard with house names on). Hat on stool and stuff._

**Dumbledore:** And now, let the Sorting (dramatic hand movement)… begin!

_Hermione walks up, looking terrified._

**Sorting Hat: **Gryffindor!

_Hermione skips away. Draco comes up_

**Sorting Hat:** Slytherin!

_Draco skips away. Ron comes up_

**Sorting Hat:** Gryffindor!

Frame saying: "time passes"-

_Harry comes up. Dramatic music._

**Sorting Hat:** (quietly) You'd be good in Slytherin.

**Harry:** (falls to knees) NOOOOOO! I WANT GRYFFINDOR!

(Pause)

**Sorting Hat:** Okay, fine then. (louder) GRYFFINDOR!

_Everybody cheers, except for Malfoy and Goyle, who are sneering. Crabbe is staring at Goyle._

_Harry jumps into air, with his fist raised._

**END OF EPISODE 1**


	2. Episode Two

**Woeful Wizards Philosopher's Stone Episode 2**

**Scene 1**

_Harry and Ron are walking to class. Hermione is hovering behind them._

**Ron: **Well, that was awesome of Dumbledore to give you that invisibility cloak.

**Harry;** I KNOW RIGHT? Thank Merlin Potions is over.

**Ron:** (swivels) Snape has given us so much homework (mini-faint) I don't think I can cope.

**Harry:** (s) Snape hates me (softer) because of my father.

**Ron:** (s) Only Hermione will be able to do the homework.

_Hermione swivels towards Ron, looking shocked._

**Ron:** She's such a know-it-all.

_Hermione looks upset and gasps. Harry turns around and sees Hermione._

**Harry:** Ron…

**Ron:** No one likes her

_Hermione looks increasingly upset. _

**Ron:** She's just a terrible, horrible, spiteful person. I don't know why she was even born. If she died right now, I don't think anyone would bother. And I, for one, (dramatically) hate her.

_Hermione pushes past, sobbing._

**Harry:** (s) Now look what you did.

**Ron:** (looks shocked) No, I-I didn't make her that upset did I?

**Harry:** (puts hand on Ron's shoulder) Don't worry, I believe you_ best friend_.

_Harry and Ron stop walking and gaze at each other for a few moments. Snape enters._

**Snape**: (bored) Potter, Weasley get into the Great Hall now.

**Harry:** (s) But, Professor, me and Ron were just having a deep and meaningful conversation!

**Snape:** I really don't care. Ten points from Gryffindor.

_House counter thing appears in the background. Ten points are wiped off. Harry and Ron gasp._

**Snape:** Now get into the Great Hall now unless you want more points off Gryffindor.

_Snape leaves. Harry and Ron rush off._

**Harry:** Do you see the way he looked at me with loathing in his eyes?

**Ron:** Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't melt.

**Scene 2**

_Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are sitting at the Slytherin table._

**Malfoy:** And then he said, "Get out you stinking mudblood"

**Goyle:** (absolutely pissing himself) That's funny, cause mudbloods stink!

_Crabbe looks at Goyle, surprise written all over his face._

**Malfoy:** So, what do you think of that Hermione Granger?

**Goyle:** She's um, (looks at Malfoy)

**Crabbe:** Alright.

**Malfoy:** (s) WHAT?

_Goyle gives Crabbe a dirty. Crabbe sees this and his expression changes._

**Crabbe:** I mean, uh, alright for the scum of the earth.

_Hermione enters, crying softly_

**Malfoy:** Yes, Granger should just go and live in the Forbidden Forrest with all the other boggarts.

_Hermione stops, turns and runs away sobbing._

**Goyle:** Good one Draco. That was so witty.

**Crabbe:** Uh, yeah.

**Malfoy:** Just wait, my father will have her expelled soon.

**Scene 3**

_Harry and Ron are sitting at the Gryffindor table with the other Gryffindors. _

**Harry:** (s) I wonder why we are here?

**Ron:** (looking around) I wonder where Hermione is?

**Harry:** (loudly) RONALD WEASLEY I AM TALKING TO YOU SO PLEASE STOP IGNORING ME. I _THOUGHT_ WE WERE BEST FRIENDS.

**Ron:** (s & dramatically) I'm so sorry Harry.

**Harry:** (s) I forgive you. Good point though. Where IS Hermione?

**Dean:** I saw her run into the girls bathrooms.

**Seamus:** Yeah, she was bawling her eyes out.

_Harry nods. Ron looks confused._

**Ron:** What were you two doing near the girls bathroom?

_Dean and Seamus exchange looks and back away and leave. Dramatic music._

**Ron:** Well, I for one express my-

_Dumbledore enters sassily. He struts to the teachers table._

**Dumbledore:** (sassily gazing around) Now, I suppose all of you are wondering why I called you here.

_Everyone nods. _

**Dumbledore:** Well I'm here to tell you the police have called.

_Everyone looks confused_

**Fred and George:** (SHOUTS) WE'RE WIZARDS.

**Dumbledore:** Right. I mean, the Aurors have contacted me through the Floo Network

_Everyone gasps._

**Dumbledore:** THE FASHION AURORS

_Everyone bursts into applause. A disco ball drops from the ceiling and dance music starts playing._

**Dumbledore:** For all of the first years, today's the day of our random annual fashion show!

_Lee Jordan struts out._

**Dumbledore:** And here is Lee Jordan, wearing a wonderfully elegant ensemble. Notice in particular the fine stitching on the cuffs.

_Lee leaves. Random Hogwarts student starts to strut, but is interrupted by Quirrell._

**Quirrell:** ATTENTION EVERYONE, ATTENTION.

_Everything goes silent._

**Quirrell:** I just thought everyone should know, there's a troll in the dungeons.

_Dumbledore stands dramatically, rasing hands. He accidentally knocks Quirrell out._

**Dumbledore:** Oops. (louder) There is no need for panic. The teachers will come with me and search for the troll. Every student is to return to their dormitories, because if the troll finds you, he will kill you.

_All students gasp, and then run out chaotically. _

**Scene 4**

_Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are all rushing to their dormitories._

**Malfoy:** I hope that troll gets Potter, Weasley and Granger.

**Goyle:** That. Would. Be. AWESOME.

_Harry and Ron enter, running. They "crash" (Note: Just pause, enter frame saying crash and play with everyone on the floor) into Malfoy and the gang._

**Malfoy:** My gang! (s) You'll pay for this Potter!

_Malfoy and the gang stalk off._

**Harry:** Wait, Quirrell said the dungeons! That's where the girls bathrooms are!

**Ron:** (s) How do you know?

**Harry:** (uncomfortably) Never mind. (s) We must save Hermione!

**Scene 5**

_In girls bathroom. Hermione is crying in stall. Ron and Harry rush in._

**Ron:** (shouting) HERMIONE!

**Harry:** (shouting) HERMIONE!

**Hermione:** WHAT?

_Harry and Ron rush to Hermiones stall_

**Ron:** Hermione, you've got to get out.

_Hermione slams open door._

**Hermione:** (shouting) WHY SHOULD I? WHAT IF I JUST DIED?

**Harry:** But Hermione, if you stay here (s) you might.

**Ron:** Bleeding unlikely I dare say.

_Troll enters (Note: person wearing troll mask)_

**Troll:** (bored) Ahh…

**Ron:** What a thrilling and unexpected plot twist!

_Harry and gang start running away from troll, but it grabs Hermione._

**Ron:** NOOO…

**Harry:** HERMIONEEE…

_Fight scene which can be figured out later but Hermione is saved somehow_

**Harry:** (s) I banish thee troll! (s towards door) Now get out!

**Troll:** Alright…

_Troll leaves_

**Ron:** Huzzah! We saved you, fair maiden!

**Hermione:** (s) You think I'm fair?

_Ron and Hermione stare at each other. Harry is oblivious_

**Harry:** (s) We must tell the teachers of our victory.

**Ron:** Huh, what? (s) Yes, we must.

**Scene 6**

_In the Great Hall. Malfoy and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table._

**Malfoy:** (s) I hope Potter's friends have all died.

**Goyle:** Why?

**Malfoy:** (s) Because then he will be all mine.

_Dumbledore struts in_

**Dumbledore:** I have fabulous news everyone. (s) The troll has been banished by none other than Harry Potter himself!

_Harry walks in with Ron and Hermione_

**Harry:** Thank you, thank you.

**Dumbledore:** And in honour of your glitter-tastic triumph, you win for the prize for best dressed student!

**Harry:** (s) (overcome with emotion) I… I don't know what to say.

**Dumbledore:** Don't say anything Harry. Sing it.

_Harry and Dumbledore stare at each other_

**Harry:** (s) …okay.

_Just before Harry starts to sing, we see Quirrell wake up and glare at Harry. _

**Scene 7**

_In teacher's lounge. Every teacher looks high._

**Snape:** I really don't like Potter

**Flitwick:** Cool story bro

_Dumbledore struts in_

**Dumbledore:** Everyone, everyone, I have several pieces of important rules to announce. First is that our first Quidditch match is next week. Secondly, no one is to ever set foot in Room 666. Ever, or they shall face the wrath of the gods!

_Cut to door with "ROOM 666- DO NOT ENTER" written on to it. Quirrell is about to open it. Dramatic music._

**END OF EPISODE TWO**


	3. Episode Three

**Woeful Wizards Philosopher's Stone Episode 3**

**Scene 1**

_Harry and the gang are all at Hagrids Hut. They are having tea. Hagrid is drinking with his pinkie stuck up._

**Hagrid:** So, are any of you going to try out for Quidditch?

**Harry:** (s) What's that?

**Ron:** (s)(gasps) You don't know what Quidditch is?

**Harry:** (s) No.

_Ron looks shocked. Hermione looks normal. Hagrid takes a sip of tea._

**Hagrid:** Quidditch is really quite simple. I'll just quickly go over the basic rules.

_Sign saying "One Hour Later" Hagrid has a whiteboard with complicated squiggles on it_

**Hagrid:** …so that's formations for you and if we move onto…

**Harry:** (s) Are you going to try out for Quidditch Ron?

**Ron:** No. (s) It's really hard to get into.

**Harry:** I'm sure you could if you tried (s) _best friend_

_Harry and Ron gaze into each others eyes._

**Hermione:** I'm going to the library.

**Scene 2:**

_Crabbe and Goyle are sitting in the Slytherin dorms doing their homework_

**Crabbe:** Goyle?

**Goyle:** Yes?

**Crabbe:** What is it with you and Malfoy?

**Goyle:** Why do you ask?

**Crabbe:** Because (s) you said he wouldn't come between us (s away) but he has.

**Goyle:** (moves closer and puts his hand on Crabbe's should) I just think it would be great if we all could be friends.

**Crabbe:** (looks at hand and then into Goyle's eyes) …okay

_Crabbe and Goyle stare into each other's eyes. Malfoy enters_

**Malfoy:** I've just returned from the library.

_Dramatic music_

**Scene 3:**

_All first years are lined up at some sort of field, holding brooms. Harry and his gang are talking_

**Hermione:** Who is _that?_

_Neville enters, preferably wearing skinny jeans, smoking a cigarette and just generally looking like the BAMF he is_

**Ron:** (s) I… I don't know.

_Everyone watches Neville. Madam Hooch walks in_

**Hooch:** Right, now everyone… is that a cigarette Neville?

**Neville:** Yeah.

**Hooch:** Put it out.

_Neville does so, but sullenly_

**Hooch: **Now, let's start with the most important bit…

_Hogwarts student rushes in_

**Hogwarts Student:** Miss, you have to come.

**Hooch:** I'm in the middle of class

**Hogwarts Student:** But Miss, (s) you must.

**Hooch:** Okay. Right, even though you all have brooms and when you start riding it will probably be the best sensation you have ever felt in your young lives and will fix all of your problems, don't ride your brooms until I come back.

_Silence. Hooch and Hogwarts Student leave. Malfoy and gang walk up to Neville, who has continued smoking._

**Malfoy:** Alright there, Longbottom?

_Neville ignores Malfoy_

**Malfoy:** You're looking funny, Longbottom.

**Neville:** Whatever.

**Malfoy:** Probably because you're a bottom.

_Goyle pisses himself. Crabbe tries to smile.____Neville continues to smoke._

**Malfoy:** What's this you've got?

_Malfoy reaches and grabs Neville's wallet_

**Malfoy:** (waving it in front of Neville's face) Want it back? Not so tough now are we Longbottom?

**Neville:** Do I look like I give a fuck?

_Harry and gang step forward._

**Harry:** (s) Leave him alone Malfoy!

**Malfoy:** (s) Make me Potter!

_Harry lunges at Malfoy, who steps back._

**Malfoy:** Come and get it, Potter!

_Malfoy grabs a broom and "flies" away_

**Goyle:** (s) Be careful Malfoy!

_Harry swivels towards Hermione and Ron_

**Harry:** I am facing a moral dilemma. (s) Ron, (s) Hermione, what should I do?

**Hermione:** I know! (s) Let's ask Neville

_Everyone swivels to Neville_

**Neville:** I really could not care less.

**Harry:** (s) Then it's settled. I shall defend you honour Neville and rescue your prized possession from my archenemy Malfoy, who I have loathed since the moment that we first-

**Ron:** (s) Harry! Malfoy's gone.

**Harry:** Shit.

_Silence. Everyone is looking at their shoes._

**Harry:** (s) I shall find you now, you fiend!

_Harry hops onto a broom and "flies" to Malfoy._

**Harry:** (s) If you give it back, I'll be your friend

**Malfoy:** Really?

**Harry: **(s) No. Not after the way I saw you treat Neville

**Neville:** (offstage) I still do not care.

**Malfoy:** (s) You coming or not, Potter?

_Chase scene ensues. Harry gets the wallet and Harry goes back to crowd, looking cocky._

**Ron: **Sweet as flying, Harry!

**Hermione:** (s) Oh Harry, that was glitter-tastic.

_Hooch and McGonagall enter_

**Hooch:** That was very irresponsible. Potter and Malfoy, you both have detention on Friday.

**McGonagall:** Oh, and Harry, that was good flying. So you're on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

**Malfoy:** (s) What about me?

**McGonagall:** Your technique's a little shabby. Better luck next year.

_Malfoy looks enraged. Goyle looks shocked on Malfoy's behalf. Crabbe is staring at Goyle._

**Malfoy:** (s) My father will hear about this!

_Malfoy and gang stalk off._

**Ron:** Way to go, Harry! (s) I told you you could make the Quidditch team.

**Harry:** (s) I couldn't have done it without your belief in me Ron.

_Harry and Ron stare into each others eyes._

**Scene 4:**

_Harry and gang are walking down the corridor. They stop outside "Room 666"_

**Harry:** What's this room for?

_Harry and Ron look at Hermione_

**Hermione:** I… I don't know (s)

_Harry and Ron gasp._

**Harry:** (s) We must find out.

_Ron reaches for door handle. Snape comes around the corner._

**Snape:** Get away from there.

**Harry:** (defiant s) Why should I?

**Snape:** I have not the time to teach you to read (points to sign saying "Do not enter"). Just leave, will you?

_Harry and gang leave._

**Snape:** I hate those little shits.

_Quirrell comes around the corner, sees Snape and freezes._

**Snape:** What are you doing here, Quirrell?

**Quirrell:** … nothing.

_Dramatic music_

**Scene 5:**

_In the Forbidden Forest. Harry, Malfoy and Filch are walking._

**Filch:** (in strong accent) So, youse gonna haf to do some cleanin'

**Harry:** (s) WHAT?

**Filch:** Sorree, froag in me froet. (Coughs)(In perfect English) Now, in order to receive a completion for your detention you must each pick up twenty sticks.

**Malfoy: **(s) Why?

**Filch:** Just do it.

_Filch leaves._

**Malfoy:** Well, I guess we best get started

**Harry:** (s) (pause) …yes.

_Harry and Malfoy set off. Dramatic music._

**Scene 6:**

_Hermione and Ron are sitting at the Gryffindor common room._

**Ron:** So, how do you reckon Harry's going?

**Hermione:** (s) Why can't we talk about something other than Harry?

**Ron:** (shocked) How dare you say such blasphemy!

_Hermione and Ron stare at each other for a long time, but then look down. Dramatic music._

**Scene 7:**

_In the Forbidden Forest. Draco and Harry are walking, collecting sticks._

**Harry:** (s) What's that?

_Harry points to the ground. There is glitter everywhere._

**Draco:** (s) I don't know

**Harry:** (s) Let's find out!

_Harry goes ahead._

**Draco:** (high-pitched) Let's find out!

_Draco runs after Harry._

**Harry:** I think it's coming from over there.

_Harry points to where the glitter is "gushing" (just throw it) out. Harry and Draco run over and there is a hooded figure bent over a unicorn._

**Draco:** (s) I think I'm going to be sick

_Draco runs off_

**Harry:** (freezes mid-swivel) I'm frozen!

_The hooded figure stands up and notices Harry for the first time. It starts walking towards him_

**Harry:** GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FIEND.

_The HF stops._

**HF:** Fuck you.

_HF prances away. Harry leaps to the unicorn and falls to his knees._

**Harry:** (eyes closed and arms upraised) NO!

**Scene 8:**

_At the Quidditch match. The Gryffindor team are all sitting nervously._

**Wood:** Now, Harry you've got nothing to worry about.

**Harry:** (s) Really?

**Wood:** Yes. (s) Just… trust your instincts. I know I do.

_Harry and Wood stare into each others eyes, but Harry suddenly breaks away._

**Harry:** (s) No, this isn't right.

**Wood:** Why?

**Harry:** Ron is my best friend. I can't cheat on him with you.

**Wood:** (s) But… wait. What?

**McGonagall:** (off-screen) The match is about to start. Gryffindor and Slytherin, take your places.

_Gryffindor team walk out, take places and start to "fly"._

**Hooch:** (Takes balls out of basket thing) And start.

**Wood:** Remember what I said Harry!

**Harry:** (s) Wha-

_Harry's mouth opens so wide Snitch pops in._

**Lee:** (microphone) Gryffindor wins!

**Harry:** (spits out snitch into hands, coughs and then swivels) This is the happiest day of my life! (falls to ground) I AM SO HAPPY.

_Everyone goes nuts. Ron and Hermione run up to Harry._

**Ron:** I told you you could do it!

**Harry:** (s) And it was your belief that kept me going, Ron.

_Harry and Ron stare into each other's eyes._

**Hermione:** Yeah, well done Harry.

**Ron:** (s) Wait, what's Snape doing?

_Snape enters, horribly mauled with very obvious bite marks._

**Harry:** (s) Where have you been, Professor?

**Snape: **My girlfriend broke up with me.

**All:** Awwww….

_Snape begins to leave, then randomly starts to limp._

**Harry:** (s) He's up to something, and we're going to find out.

_Harry and gang run off and follow Snape. Quirrell appears out of nowhere._

**Snape:** I've been inside Room 666.

**Quirrell:** Yeah me too- I mean that is forbidden.

**Snape:** I know. And I know that you know about what you're not meant to know about.

**Quirrell:** I know nothing about Nicolas Flamel... shit.

_They look at each other. Snape and Quirrell leave._

**Harry:** (s) I wonder who Nicolas Flamel is.

**Ron:** (s) And Snape didn't get those bites from his girlfriend. They look like they were made by a giant, several headed beast of some sort.

**Hermione:** (s) TO THE LIBRARY

_Hermione runs off._

**Ron:** (s) It's just me and you Harry.

**Harry:** (s) Yes.

**Ron:** Wanna have a midnight feast?

**Harry:** I would like that.

_Harry and Ron start eating, without looking away from each other's eyes or blinking._

**END OF EPISODE 3**


	4. Episode Four

**Woeful Wizards Philosopher's Stone Episode 4**

**Scene 1**

_Harry and the gang are in the library. Hermione is reading, Ron and Harry are playing chess._

**Harry:** (s) You win again, Ron.

**Ron:** (s) And it was because you believed in me, Harry.

_Harry and Ron stare into each others eyes._

**Hermione:** (s) You guys aren't helping.

**Ron:** (s) It's only because you research things so beautifully.

_Ron and Hermione have a moment._

**Harry:** Anyone want a Chocolate Frog?

**Ron:** (s) … Okay.

**Harry:** Open wide.

_Harry feeds Ron the chocolate frog._

**Harry:** (s) I know who Nicolas Flamel is!

**Hermione:** (s) Who?

**Harry:** (s) Here!

_Harry holds up info card that says: "Nicolas Flamel invented the top secret Philosopher's Stone, which grants immortality and changes all metals into gold (visit our website to make your own!). It is currently in Room 666 at Hogwarts, but you don't know that"_

**Hermione: **(s) All that time reading books when I should've been reading trading cards!

**Ron:** (s) Lesson learned.

**Harry:** (s) Let's go before Snape finds out.

_Harry and the gang leave. Snape enters and picks up trading card._

**Snape:** Oh.

**Scene 2**

_Malfoy and Goyle are sitting Slytherin dormitory._

**Malfoy:** Crabbe's a little weird, don't you think?

**Goyle:** (s) What do you mean?

**Malfoy:** (s away) He doesn't love me.

**Goyle:** (s) I love you. It doesn't matter what Crabbe thinks.

**Malfoy:** (s) Then don't hang out with him

_Goyle looks shocked._

**Malfoy:** (s) You have to choose. It's me (s) or him.

_Goyle makes several dramatic poses then looks at the camera. Dramatic music. Crabbe walks in._

**Crabbe:** What's going on guys?

**Scene 3**

_Harry and the gang are standing outside of Room 666_

**Harry:** Here we go guys.

**Hermione:** (s) Wait.

_Ron and Harry freeze_

**Hermione:** I can't help but think that this is going to be the first of many adventures together and I feel we should commemorate that somehow.

_Harry and Ron stare blankly at Hermione._

**Hermione:** Group hug everyone.

_Harry and the gang have an overly long hug sequence with soppy music (maybe the theme from Robot Unicorn Attack?)_

**Ron:** (s) Now it's-

**Harry:** (s) EXCUSE ME RON I AM THE LEADER HERE.

**Ron:** (s) … yes.

**Harry:** (s) Now it's time everyone.

_Harry and gang open the door and step through. Dramatic music._

**Scene 4**

_Malfoy and gang in Slytherin dormitories._

**Malfoy:** (s) Tell him Goyle.

**Goyle:** (s away) I can't.

**Crabbe:** (s) Tell me what?

**Malfoy:** (stands up) Goyle doesn't want to be friends with you anymore.

**Crabbe:** (s) You put him up to this didn't you Malfoy.

**Goyle:** I… I didn't do anything.

**Malfoy: ** (s) So what if I did?

**Crabbe:** (s) It would prove my opinion of you.

**Malfoy;** (s) And what opinion is that?

**Crabbe:** That you're a… (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) FRIENDSHIP RUINER.

_Dramatic music. Malfoy looks angry. Goyle is shocked_

**Scene 5 **

_Harry and the gang are in Room 666_

**Harry:** (s) Our enemy awaits us. (s) I can feel it.

_Fluffy enters._

**Harry:** (s) It's horrible!

_Fluffy approaches Harry and gang._

**Hermione:** (s) We're all going to die!

_Ron cellphone rings. The tune is "Baby" by Justin Bieber._

**Ron:** Hang on, it's my mother.

**Hermione:** (s) Ron, don't! Look at Fluffy.

_Fluffy is dancing, inexplicably, to Justin Bieber._

**Harry:** (s and points) There's the door!

**Hermione:** (s) Ron, quickly, throw the devil music at the brute!

_Ron throws his cellphone at Fluffy. Fluffy dances over to the phone._

**Harry:** (s) Now we shall run over to the door

_They run over to the door and exit it._

**Scene 6**

_At the Slytherin dormitories_

**Malfoy:** You have something against me, Crabbe?

**Crabbe**: (s) Yes. I have a problem with you stealing my friend.

**Malfoy:** (s) Maybe YOU stole MY friend.

**Crabbe**: (s) Maybe he left you for me.

**Malfoy:** (s) So what if he did?

**Crabbe:** (s) Then he likes me better.

**Goyle:** I like both of you as much!

**Malfoy and Crabbe:** (s) But I love you!

_Malfoy and Goyle stare into each other's eyes. Soppy music._

**Scene 7:**

_Harry and gang are standing in a room with a chess set in the middle._

**Ron:** (s) It's wizard chess!

**Hermione:** (s) How can you tell?

**Ron:** (s) Because they can talk.

_Close up on a King and a Bishop._

**King:** I daresay old chap, I hope I'm not killed.

**Bishop:** As long as I get a go at the Queen, I'm fine.

_Returns to Harry and gang._

**Ron: **(s) We must play across.

**Hermione:** Or we could just step over it.

**Harry:** (s) We must do it now.

_Harry and then Hermione step over it. Ron trips over it._

**Ron:** (spasm of pain) I am hurt!

**Hermione:** (s) RON!

**Harry:** (falls to floor, arms raised) NO!

**Ron:** You… must… go on… without me.

**Harry:** (s) … okay. Come on, Hermione.

**Hermione:** (s) No, Harry. I have to stay with Ron. Only you can go on.

**Harry:** But it's just a door. I don't think it's magical or anything.

**Hermione:** (s) Just go, Harry. Don't make it any harder than it is.

**Harry:** … okay.

_Harry walks through door at other end of room. Dramatic music._

**Scene 8:**

_Sign saying "Meanwhile, at the Hufflepuff dormitories"_

_Hufflepuff students are all dancing._

**Scene 9:**

_Harry is in the room with the mirror of Eresid (Note: have forgotten actual name, but will fix up eventually) and Quirrell._

**Harry:** (s) Quirrell!

**Quirrell:** Oh, hello Harry.

**Harry:** (s) I trusted you Quirrell! Give me the Stone.

**Quirrell:** Yeah, the thing is, I can't actually get it. It's in the mirror.

**Harry:** (s) I'm not going to give it to you!

**Voldemort:** (unseen and in whiny voice) I wanna talk with him!

**Quirrell:** Okay.

_Quirrell turns around and reveals Voldemort._

**Voldemort:** I've been _dying_ to meet you. Geddit?

**Harry:** (s) That's not funny!

_Silence._

**Voldemort:** You have just made a lifelong enemy, Potter. I had to drink unicorn's blood just to be here.

**Harry:** (gasp and s) It was you! You monster!

**Voldemort:** Just get the fucking stone.

**Harry:** (s) Fine then.

_Harry goes to the mirror._

**Harry:** ("whispering") Just give me the Stone and get this over with it.

_Someone walks in and slips the stone into his pocket. Harry looks at pocket as soon as the person leaves the shot_

**Harry:** (s) Wow!

**Voldemort:** He's got it Quirrell! Quickly, restrain the eleven year old with all of your might!

**Harry:** (s) You'll never catch me alive.

_Quirrell chases Harry around the room for a little while. Harry trips, then looks back dramatically._

**Snape:** (offscreen) HOW DO I TURN THIS INFERNAL CONTRAPTION OFF?

**Quirrell:** Snape must be trying to switch off the Rebecca Black music I had playing.

**Harry:** (s) Die Quirrell!

_Harry throws himself at Quirrell. Quirrell falls to the floor._

**Quirrell:** Well, I'm dead.

**Harry:** (s) I'm fainting!

_Everything fades into black_

**Scene 10:**

_In the Great Hall. Slytherin colours are hanging up. Students are chatting amongst selves_

**Ron:** (s) How did you get out alive, Harry?

**Harry:** (s) It was your belief in me that kept me going.

_Ron and Harry stare into each other's eyes._

**Hermione:** That makes no sense!

_Dumbledore struts in._

**Dumbledore:** (striking pose) Attention everyone.

_Everyone goes quiet._

**Dumbledore:** As you all know, Slytherin has won the House Cup this year. (s) Or has it?

**All:** Gasp!

**Dumbledore:** (s) I have more points to give out, but I'm going to do it in the most dramatic way possible. (glides into spotlight) Through song. (starts to sing):

"_Ronald Weasley wins Gryffindor fifty_

_Because with his feet he is not nifty_

_Another fifty comes from Hermione Granger_

_Who helped her husband-to-be from danger_

_But Harry Potter wins the most_

_Of Gryffindor he is the toast_

_He defeated Voldemort again_

_He defeated Voldemort again_

_He defeated Voldemort again_

_So Gryffindor gets fifty one"_

**Dumbledore:** (s) What? Gryffindor wins? That certainly was unintentional.

_Slytherin colours change to Gryffindor colours._

**Malfoy: **(s) I hate Potter!

**Crabbe:** I hate Potter too!

_Malfoy and Crabbe stare into each others eyes._

**Goyle:** (s) It's so awesome that we're all friends.

_To the Gryffindor table_

**Ron:** (s) I'm going to miss you, Harry and Hermione.

**Hermione:** (s) Promise you'll write

**Harry:** I will. After all, (s) tomorrow is another day

_Dramatic music_

**END OF EPISODE 4**

**END OF WOEFUL WIZARDS PHILOSOPHER'S STONE**


End file.
